03/25/22 – sour mood

In Wegmans today, Ralphie grabbed my leg and told me that he hoped I would feel less sad soon. I know kiddo. There were a lot of people around, the sounds and lights were too much and I was trying to find solid ground for my nerves.

I am usually pretty good at hiding the sour from him, but today he picked up on it enough to feel compelled to give me a hug. He knows my love language is physical touch. It got me through to our driveway.

He ran off to play while dinner was cooking and I actively told myself, “get your crap together, determine what’s actually bothering you, and/or get the heck over it.” Strange how I included the “and/or” right? I had this whole debate in my head:

1) figure “it” out and get over it

2) OR don’t figure “it” out, but still get over it.

Trying to cure the sour reminds me of a Charlie Day meme; mapping out the triggers and the reactions and the roads to possible mental healing. I have been working and working to get myself out of this mental funk.

I did walk the back paths with Maple, but 45 minutes of sunshine is only 45 minutes of sunshine and the news podcasts I usually listen to are dedicated to Ukraine and it makes my heart heavy and my personal frustrations feel frivolous.

I did meditate. I used my app, my friend and I went through our box method, the 3, 2, 1 methods, more of the youtube calming music.

I did bird watch but ultimately felt frustration that the desired bird denied me of its presence.

I did allow myself to watch TV to see if I needed mindless matter (it actually made it worse).

I did talk to my sister because her problems actually make my problems dwarf, but I ended up angry about barn cats, my mother’s health insurance, and mean roosters.

I did run into a cousin, but couldn’t even muster through the small talk without visualizing a perfectly delivered, solid throat punch to his ignorant, white-privilege face.

I did volunteer for a field trip to go “mapling” and I celebrated the spring open house at Ralphie’s elementary school. His art, his reading, and his stories are what have gotten me through to this point.

I did listen to music: soft, slow, my favorites, Taylor Swift, Encanto, Ralph’s favorites – all increased the size of my hackles.

I did work and effectively crossed items off of my to-do list. The normal satisfaction stripped away by the sour.

I cleaned. I took a long shower. I snuggled Maple so fiercely. I read. I wrote.

I am at a current loss which is why I am writing and posting so late.

Not fishing for praise or affirmations. I am just hoping that this act of venting will get me through to next Tuesday when my next scheduled session of help will give me more formal guidance.

5 thoughts on “03/25/22 – sour mood

  1. Wow. This is honest and open. You are working so hard to be what you want to be. You are so informed, this could almost read as an inspirational piece about strategies. You are recognizing your blessings. Sometimes it’s not enough. I’m glad you have some help come Tuesday. But I also want to really thank you for writing about the bad stuff sometimes. I sometimes feel we avoid that in this community, and yes- you can go there. You have company that appreciates this voice, too.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sometimes we help to get us through the sour mood we are in. Writing things down is a help because it gives weight to our feelings. Hopefully the help you need to get through this will be forthcoming on Tuesday. We are all pulling for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Janeen, your pain is so raw in this. I admire the work you are doing to try to get out of the mental funk. I admire that you know your love language. I admire that you meditate. I admire that you bird watch. I admire that you have a session scheduled for Tuesday. I admire your relentless pursuit of health and well being. What an amazing example to those around you. I’m sending you well wishes.

    Like

  4. We all have sour moods and I am in awe of how beautifully you document yours. I love how intuitive Ralphie but it is clear where he gets it from as you share your own reflections and thoughts. Love you dear friend, hope your sour turns sweet soon.

    Liked by 1 person

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